Understanding the Holidays Through the Eyes of Foster Children and the Families Who Care for Them
On a December Saturday morning, Maya stands at the kitchen counter with a grocery list, a half-wrapped present, and three text messages about holiday plans. Next week’s family visit has changed, too.
Her foster son, Eli, sits nearby, unusually quiet.
Maya wants this Christmas to feel special. Should they go to the church party and the family dinner? Would a quiet night at home be better? She wonders whether she is doing enough.
Eli is thinking about a different Christmas.
The lights remind him of a house where he used to live. He wonders whether he will see his mom. He likes Maya and feels welcome here. He also misses home. Can he enjoy this Christmas without letting go of the people he loves?
Maya and Eli are fictional composite characters, not a Sunnybrook family. Their story reflects experiences described in guidance on the mixed emotions of the holidays.
For some foster families, joy and grief share the same room. A child can be excited about Christmas morning and still ache for someone who is missing.
Every child brings a different history, personality, culture, and set of traditions. Some will embrace the festivities. Others may need a quieter season. Our care begins with listening, rather than deciding how they ought to feel.
Foster parents need care, too
A review of 70 studies on foster and kinship caregivers found that stress reaches well beyond the demands of parenting. Family relationships, finances, and experiences with the child-welfare system matter, too. Some training programs were associated with less stress or burnout. The message for those of us who want to help is simple: caregivers need support, not an expectation that they can do everything.
The holidays can add another layer.
There are school programs, meals, travel plans, appointments, and family visits to coordinate. Behind the calendar are questions: Will this gathering be too much? How do we honor a tradition from another home? What do we say if a visit falls through?
Holiday guidance from AdoptUSKids encourages families to protect familiar routines and make room for rest. That may mean fewer events, earlier bedtimes, and permission to change plans.
A foster parent who says, “We need a quiet weekend,” is not failing at Christmas.
And a caregiver who asks for help is not loving a child less. Sometimes the kindest response is to bring dinner, listen without judgment, or help arrange approved support.
Rest is part of caring well
Respite care gives primary caregivers a break while another approved caregiver looks after the child. In a study of 160 foster, adoptive, and kinship caregivers, those using formal respite reported greater stress reduction; those combining formal and informal support reported the strongest benefits for family stability. The study cannot prove respite caused those improvements, but it offers a reason to take caregivers’ need for rest seriously.
At Sunnybrook, caring for caregivers also takes the form of hospitality. Through Sunnybrook Cares, foster families and child-welfare advocates can enjoy no-cost stays at a countryside home, with good food, rest, a listening ear, and supportive connection.
Our Foster Family Community carries that commitment into recruiting, training, mentoring, and supporting foster families through our partnership with the Mississippi Department of Child Protection Services. Families need people beside them after they say yes, not just encouragement before they begin.
For a child, the season may tell a different story
Writing for AdoptUSKids, Jamerika Haynes-Lewis recalls Christmas in foster care: she enjoyed gifts and celebrations, but what she wanted most was to return to her mother and siblings. Her foster family’s willingness to accept her feelings helped her build good holiday memories, too.
Both experiences belonged to her. Neither canceled the other.
A child can care deeply for a foster family and still miss a birth parent. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network notes that holidays and rituals can both comfort and challenge grieving children.
Those feelings may emerge as tears, withdrawal, restlessness, or repeated questions about what will happen next.
No single behavior tells us what a child is feeling. Rather than assuming ingratitude or defiance, we can pause and ask what they need. Sometimes reassurance sounds as simple as, “You can miss your family. You don’t have to hide that here.”
Small choices can make the season gentler
Keep something familiar. Protect regular meals, sleep, and daily routines as much as possible. Follow the child’s existing medication and care instructions. A predictable evening may matter more than one more outing.
Talk through the plan. Explain who will be at a gathering, how long you expect to stay, and what happens afterward. Agree on a quiet place or a private signal for taking a break.
Ask what matters to them. A favorite recipe, song, decoration, or faith tradition may carry memories adults cannot see. Invite children to help shape the celebration. The traditions they bring with them deserve a place alongside new ones.
Respect their boundaries and connections. Children do not owe anyone a hug, their personal story, or a cheerful response to every gift. Where the case plan and safety considerations allow, help them stay connected with parents, siblings, and other important people.
Make respite predictable, too. Before a stay, caregivers can share bedtime routines, comfort objects, food preferences, approved contacts, care instructions, and what helps when a child feels overwhelmed. Explain the plan and return arrangements in age-appropriate language. Keep the visit warm without filling every hour. The goal is continuity and reassurance, not a bigger holiday production.
A meaningful gift begins with understanding
For churches, donors, and friends of Sunnybrook, this invites a different question.
Alongside “What can we give a child?” we can ask, “How can we help the people caring for that child?”
The Christian Alliance for Orphans encourages churches to surround families with practical and relational support. That might mean coordinating meals, mentoring, offering approved transportation, or learning what is required to become a respite caregiver. Prayer and encouragement matter, too. So does protecting a family’s privacy and respecting the work toward safe family reunification. This is ministry expressed through dependable presence.
There is a place for that kind of generosity at Sunnybrook.
Give beyond December. A year-end or recurring gift helps sustain Sunnybrook’s ministry throughout the year. Our holiday message invites supporters to consider even $5 or $10 a month. The invitation is to take part in ongoing care, not to solve every need with one gift.
Share your time and gifts. Explore ways to get involved as a church, business, family, or individual. Ask about volunteer opportunities, mentoring, or learning more about fostering. Start with a commitment you can keep.
Ask before organizing a collection. Sunnybrook accepts nonperishable food, paper products, cleaning supplies, and gift or gas cards. Check our current needs before shopping or arranging a drive. A useful gift begins with what the ministry needs, rather than what we assume would help.
Hope that lasts beyond the holidays
Christmas does not ask foster children to forget whom they miss. It does not ask foster parents to become tireless. And it does not ask donors to fix the foster-care system with one December gift.
It gives us an opportunity to keep showing up.
That can look like a meal delivered on a busy evening, time for a caregiver to rest, or a familiar tradition a child is invited to share. It can be a church that stays involved after the decorations come down.
Hope does not require grief to disappear. It can begin with knowing someone will listen, make room for difficult feelings, and return tomorrow.
This holiday season, help Sunnybrook make room for that kind of care.
Together, we can support children and caregivers with rest, belonging, and hope that lasts into January and beyond.